Just Pink
by Queen of everything pineapple
Summary: Jim couldn't but help but notice that Spock had been looking rather sad, lately, or as sad as a Vulcan can be, So he decides that a Hand massage should cheer him right up. Nothing wrong with that, Surely? K/S implied Slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Pink Floral fragrance with Fruity accents**

**_Where Jim worked in a Spa sometime in his infinite past, Spock suffers from a Vulcan case of SF and McCoy is the Fairy hand cream godmother._**

**_Eventual K/S slash!_**

**AN**

**Inspired by the fic called "Hand Fascination" by xxx.**

**I don't own star trek blah bah and blah, all rights goes to paramount film company and the views of _Moi_ does not represent Star Trek XI or any of its alffilterates.**

**Translation- PLEASE DO NOT SUE ME.**

Now! We boldly go where no one has been before!

Star date 2253.9

Time 13:04

Location: Medic Bay, Deck 11, USS_ Enterprise_

Captain James Tiberius Kirk, or also known by many other names to a variety of different people, such as "Damnit Jim" or "illogical" or "Kirk! Get back here now!" and even "Trouble magnet that defies even Newton's 3rd Law" although Jim did swear afterwards it wasn't his fault that accidently mispronounced "ehk" to "ikh".which was no to yes in Antmium. And consequently ending up eating the ceremonial/fungi/slosho/pollen/slime drink thingy that caused his lung to swell and almost burst, and I Qoute.

"dizziness, drowsiness, blurred vision, diplopia, increased appetite, euphoria, confusion, vivid dreams, irritability, ataxia(clumsiness), attention changes, abnormal coordination, memory impairment, tremors, dysarthria, parasthesia (burning or tingling sensations), vertigo, dry mouth and constipation, vomiting and flatulence, fatigue, peripheral edema (swelling), drunkenness, abnormal walking, weight gain, depression, lethargy, agitation, hallucinations, myoclonus (involuntary twitching of muscles), hypoaesthesia (reduced sense of touch or sensation), hyperaesthesia, (increased sense of touch or sensation), tachycardia(increased heart rate), excessive salivation, sweating, flushing, rash, muscle cramp, myalgia(muscle pain), arthralgia (joint pain), thrombocytopenia (decrease of platelets in blood), kidney calculus (kidney stones), neutropenia(low white blood cells), first degree heart block, hypotension(low blood pressure), hypertension (high blood pressure), pancreatitis(inflammation of the pancreas), dysphagia(difficulty in swallowing), rhabdomyolysis (when the breakdown of damaged muscle cells is released in to the blood), and suicidal thoughts or behaviour."

Which would have caused his untimely (and tragic) death if not for the quick intervention of his first officer. God bless his pointy ears.

Still, Jim swears it was not his fault. He also argues that the Antmiums were so ashamed to have poisoned a guest that they joined the Federation anyway, so he's counting that as a win. Even if Spock says "It is Illogical to disregard your health to convince the people of Antmium to sign the treaty Captain. To avoid further repetitions of this incident, might I recommend you allow Lieutenant Urhura to act as an Interpreter on the next diplomatic mission" which , translated to non- Vulcan standard , was

" Next time, Urhura will do the talking so that you can avoid killing yourself." Jim thinks it's kinda sweet.

Hence the reason why he was here.

"Damn it Jim! I'm a doctor! Not a Masseuse!" screeches Bones,

"Of course not! I'm not asking you to be, I just want some hand cream!"

"Why?" Demands the CMO "You're a star ship Captain, what der yer need hand cream for?" For a moment the Physician looked stricken. "Look, I'm sorry I interrupted you last time with those Andorian twins...can't you just. I don't know...Use one of the ..." he trails off. Visibly embarrassed, Jim's mouth drops. Leonard McCoy, his CMO thought that he suffered from a case of Sexual frustration?

"Bones! HELL NO!" he all but yells, several of the nurses on duty looked his way. "No." He repeats quietly, "How can you think that!?" McCoy lets out a sigh of relief.

"Well, you have been eyeing up Spock a lot lately." He replies gruffly, suddenly developing an interest in his blank data PADD.

"Look Bones, I just want some hand cream, And NOT for those reasons!" he adds for emphasis.

The CMO of the federation star ship Enterprise scowls for a whole minute, in silence.

"Very well." he relents at last "Always wanted to get rid of that thing…" he mutters.

Jim watches in interest as his best friend walks in to his office, the doctor carefully moves the drawing of brightly coloured scribbles of what vaguely resembles stick men wearing a pink stethoscope In a frame. McCoy handles the picture with reverence. And it is the he realises that the taller man was meant to be a representation of his best friend. In his defence, there was a lopsided smile dawn on in red crayon. And the closes thing that McCoy had ever got top a smile is when Jim was cowering away, in fear, or suffering, from yet another God damn hypo.

Anyway, behind the frame, Jim is not surprised to see, was a cabinet containing Bone's private stash. He made a mental note of the location and the lock sequence for later.

He was surprised, to see however, behind the Alcohol, was another Stash.

What did the good doctor value more than Alcohol?

The answer as it turned out, was simple.

"Joanna sent it last time we had a supply restock" of course, families often sent off planet relations Terran delicacies, although delicacy was the wrong word for it. McCoy held a box in his hands, a box full of pink and girly bath products. Then selects the pink tube of hand cream and thrusts it at Jim. "Take it and Go." He orders.

"Why, thanks-"started Jim.

"No, really, go! Get out of my sick bay unless you want me to bring your _Vaccinations _Forward." McCoy watches in satisfaction as Jim pales. And squeaks. "Okay." The fleds.

"Oh, and Jim?" he calls.

"Yeah?" replies Jim

"Don't you tell a _Fucking_ soul about this!"

Jim Smirks "Never" the doors swish close behind him, leaving his CMO with the beginnings of a headache.

Star date 2253.9

Time 14:46

Location: Bridge, Deck 24, USS_ Enterprise_

The Vulcan mind was capable of many things, one of which was multiple tracks of thoughts at the same time. So, as First officer Spock was reviewing the Stat reports of his department, the other half of his mind wandered.

Wandered, wandered, wandered, wandered…..

To the bright figure sitting acutely behind him, or more accurately 2.345645m behind and 87.2456 degrees clockwise.

A figure of the name James Tiberius Kirk.

Hair of what humans might have likened to "Spun gold" eyes seven shades of blue, sapphire aquamarine cerulean orbs, a physique that was most aesthetically pleasing, an intellect and force that was-...Spock inhales sharply and tries to clear his thoughts.

UnSuccesfully.

It was going to be a long Alpha shift.

Earlier that shift...

Jim glanced down at the Pink hand cream tube. Perfectly average, a tapered end and a round screw cap of silver-ish plastic. Flipping it over, he scans the description at the back.

JUST PINK

MOISTURISING HAND and NAIL CREAM

_A fresh pink floral fragrance with fruity accents._

Directions for use: (honestly?)

Massage into hands and nails till fully absorbed. Please remove safety seal before use.

FOR INGREDIENTS SEE PACKGING

Heath and safety gone mad. He wondered what Spock, the old one would make of this.

Indeed, Jim imagined the old time traveler would raise his eyebrow in that scary way and simply say.

"Indeed, my friend" in a completely irrelevant and non – opinion way that gave you no indication of his true feelings. This is scary, if you really think about it.

I mean, even if a human grunts, they can still express emotion. You can have an indifferent grunt, an hurt grunt, an surprised grunt ,an annoyed grunt, an satisfied grunt,and so on…..

But Vulcans, well they had indifference and emotional non- covalence nailed down to an art.

Speaking of art, Jim flickered a look at his first officer, whose back was to the command chair, posture regulation perfect, so was his ass…..Any way! Jim jerked his thoughts out of those waters; he mentally blames it on Bones, for leading his mind astray.

It really was going to be a long Alpha Shift.

Star date 2253.9

Time 18:49 hrs

Location: Bridge, Deck 24, USS_ Enterprise_

Not so long ago, the not so long ago being 36 hrs ago, Lieutenant Priana Patel announced her intention to get to hitched to the lovely Lieutenant Matt Laurence . So? What's the big deal? I hear you ask. Well, Lieutenant Patel being Indian, decided to go full out and break out the Tradition Indian rites.

This just so happens to include , sari's, curry, Over the top Celebrating, and the ancient of art of Henna, allowing one's hands to be covered in delicate patterns.

Jim, being the lucky Bastard that he was, was the sole witness of watching Spock being the first person to see Priana's hands.

Spock, normally so calm and ….reserved, turn a shade of bright emerald green, Spin on his feet and …..Leg it out of the party. Not to be seen till the next shift.

Jim has it on great authority that the privacy lock was engaged on his room for the next 14 hrs.

Now if that doesn't make him curious then the Universe would implode.

So he hatched his great plan.

The plans were this, Corner Spock and treat him to a hand massage! Using his amazing skills he picked up in his misbegotten past, Jim would literally squeeze the secret Vulcan feelings out of him. How could that possible go wrong? Jim Smiled to himself, pleased at his great plan. In fact, he would initiate Operation Hand Cream right after-

The Chronometer chimed the end of Alpha shift.

"Commander Spock!" calls Jim with unsuppressed enthusiasm. "Will you join me in My Quarters for a Game of Chess this evening?"

The whole bridge stilled.

"Of Course Captain" replies Spock. Jim could have sworn he saw a flash a pale green

"Excellent! 20'00 hrs. See you there," with a hum, he almost waltzes out of the bridge.

Today was a good day, and it was going to get better.

Oh, how right he was. He had No idea.

Star date 2253.9

Time 19:56 hrs

Location: Captain's Quarters, Deck 12, USS_ Enterprise_

Jim hummed as he set up, turning the temperature up, tossing his uniform in favor of a black open neck dress shirt, and slacks. The chess was set out, but they wouldn't really need it, there were cushions and mats on the floor, Drinks in the kitchenette, nibbles laid out, he'd even borrowed a couple of Vulcan incense sticks from Urhura, all to make Spock loosen up and fess up.

Operation Handcream is go, go, Go!

In short, currently, Jim was a happy starship captain with a purpose. He would find out why Spock was so shocked after seeing Lieutenant Patel's hennaed hands and why the privacy lock was engaged for 14 hours. Spock wouldn't know what hit him.

Now that he has confirmations from Ambassador Spock that Yes, the Kirk Charm does work on Spock, and Vulcans do enjoy a good hand massage. The old man had looked rather sheepish at admitting this, but Jim was too busy planning his plan during that Vid-call to notice that telltale pale green blush….

Anyway! Everything will proceed according to plan, It just would.

The door chimed. Ahh, Spock, even if they shared bathrooms and he'd been given the code (more than once), he would still use the door bell. Hell, he should even have his own designated door bell by now. Now that would be a good Idea! Jim mentally add that to the to do list.

Spock waits patiently at the door; it was precisely 4.321 seconds till Jim opened the door, dressed in the classic terran shirt. A deep sea blue. It suited him well, the color brought out the deep blue and clarity of his eyes.

"Good Evening Captain." He says.

"Spock! Just on time" replay the man, beckoning him in.

"It is precisely 20'00s captain, there is another 37.458 seconds for me to meet you at our given rendezvous, Vulcans prize punctuality as well as logic."

The captain laughs, and entrancing sound like no other, Spock longed to run his hand through those silky strands of golden sunlight, to kiss each of those eyes, to just bask in the light and the warmth, and the glorious, glorious life-force that was James Tiberius Kirk.

"Have a seat." Says the captain." And the name is Jim" sill smiling "and we are not on an away mission, relax Spock! "

Spock wanted to retort that he had no idea of that difficulty. Still he lowers his shoulders a little. "As you wish." Pause. "Jim"

Jim watches Spock effortlessly slid down on the floor. "White or black?" Jim gave thanks to the universe for giving him such a Gorgeous First officer.

Jim sits, "Actually Spock, I had something else planned. We'll not be playing chess today."

"May I enquire to the nature of the alternative activity?" says the Vulcan in that impeccable sexy tone of his. Yum Yum.

"It's a Surprise." He replies. "Will that be okay?"

Spock regards him. "I trust you with my life Jim, it would be acceptable "

Jim Exhales, he had not wanted to hoodwink his first officer, however supportive had Ambassador Spock been. He would not disappoint.

"Would you like anything to drink?"

"I require no sustenance at this time" replies Spock.

"Okay…erm" Jim shuffles closer till he was sitting adjacent to Spock on the cushion. " Give me you hands." Pause "please." he adds.

Spock Froze.

Christ! Swore Jim mentally, did he say something wrong?

Then, without any trace of hesitation, Spock extends his hands. Jim Exhales in relief. Phew.

Right. Show time.

Jim had never been the hand type, although he knew several people that he suspected had some sort of hand fetish, not that they would ever admit it, looking at Spock's hand now he could sort of see why.

Spock's hands was beautiful, long slender fingers, but not girly, smooth, unblemished skin, perfectly and uniformly trimmed nails that bordered on symmetrical ( somehow, Jim had expected nothing less) which would have been creepy had it been on any either man.

On Spock? It was perfect.

Jim reaches for the hand cream.

Star date 2253.10

Time 11:40

Location: Medic Bay, Deck 11, USS_ Enterprise_

Captain James Tiberius Kirk lumbered in to the medic bay, a 100 watt smile on his face, McCoy scowls immediately. What now?

"Bones!" says Jim in a sing song voice that bordered on euphoric, it was enough to make the good doctor sick. He eye rolls.

"Mornin' Jim," he says casually "come for your _Vaccinations_?" ha, he'll flee anytime now.

"Oh? " McCoy's jaw dropped. Jim didn't seem to notice. This was bad. "Was I supposed to?-"starts Jim

"Nurse Chapel! I need 60 ccs of an antihistamine, and call the surgery, we are going under full intensive-"

"Whoa Bones!? What is It.? Who's died now?" Jim didn't even protest as he was strapped to a Biobed. Bad, bad sign.

"- and inform Commander Spock that he is reliving the captain of Duty for the next 20 hrs as I place him under medical observation."

"Yes Sir!"cries the ever obedient Nurse Chapel

At 11.47, hrs, the ship's log notes that Dr McCoy ran an Intensive scan on patient Cpt. Kirk, Jams, T. which the results can be found on the patient's medical file. Restricted acess.

The sliding doors to sick bay was wrenched open before Doctor McCoy could do anything further than raise his giant hypo of some sort of antihistamine.

Obviously, a certain green blooded homogoblin deemed it too slow, not that Spock would admit it, and he'd probably call it "insufficient" or something.

"Doctor McCoy, what is Wrong with Jim?"

Bones didn't even notice the first name address. "Not Now Spock."

"Doctor , I demand to know what is wrong with My Bondmate." Insists Spock" as required and approved by Star fleets Family charter, Section C-"

Bones had frozen.

"-paragraph 14, line 12 under the jurisdiction of Medical confidences. " Spock completes " Doctor?"

Now Mama McCoy had raised her child to be the perfect southern Gentleman, and this included reading between the lines, so boy oh boy could Dr. McCoy read between the lines.

Like now.

Hand cream plus Vulcan plus Jim equals…

Happily married, apparently….

And speaking on the formation of Vulcan bonds…..

McCoy drops his hypo and palms his face.."oh, Jim" that brought to mind too many wrong things.

"Doctor? " ventures Spock " is there-"

"Why can't modern medicine Cure Stupidity? Take your goddamed bond mate and get the hell out of my sick bay, and no funny business yer hear me?!"

Spock spends a moment to defend his honour.

"Vulcans are incapable –"

McCoy pulls Jim from the bed and shoves him in his direction, wherein they promptly touched hands. Disgusing.

" I said NO funny Business! Get OUT!" he makes shooing motions with his hands .

Spock looks minutely puzzled, but leads Jim out anyway, at eh doors, jim suddenly remembered some thing.

"Bones! I just remembered. Thank you for the hand cream !" Jim mock whispers.

Gods above, he wasn't let this to be lived down. Commander Spock turns an interesting shade of Green.

His epitaph is going to be so Wrong

_Here Lies Doctor Leonard McCoy,_

_Beloved Father of Joanna,_

_CMO of the Uss Enterprise_

_Bringer of hand cream and our beloved Bones-_

_Wait! Not finished! Fairy godmother to-_

_James T. Kirk (cos I am awesome like that)_

_And Acquaintance of Sch'n Tgai Spock of Vulcan._

_Rest in peace._

He needed a drink.

Star date 2253.10

Time 21:20

Location: CMO's Office, Medic Bay, Deck 11, USS_ Enterprise_

Doctor Leonard McCoy , CMO of the Uss Enterprise nursed his shot of whisky in silence, staring at his personal secret alcohol stash in peace. This continues for well over half an hour before the glass was empty.

Finally, the man gets up, cleans the glass and replaced the decanter of fine liquor.

Unbidden, he opens the secondary stash.

The box of Pink bath products assaulted his vision, pink and hearts everywhere. The four holders was full except one, where a long, slim rectangle once held the hand cream.

Sadly, there was still a tube of shower gel, perfume and….Shimmery Body cream left.

All containers that Bones was not planning to touch in the near future if he could help it.

With a Scowl, he slammed the doors shut.

Maybe He'll just give the rest of the Damn thing to Christine in the morning.

**THE END!**

**AN**

**If anyone feels like writing the missing slash scene, let me know, and how was it? The bath product thing is actually real, it's called, the JUST PINK collection from next. I've used up the shower gel , perfume and half of the hand cream, but haven't mustered the courage to use the shimmery body cream yet. This fic was a random thought. Because I liked reading fics and since the hand cream was next to the computer anyway….If any one has any suggestions on what to do with the perfume , shower gel and shimmery body cream, let me know.**

**Live long and REVIEW GUYS!**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN; sequal to Just pink, the honeymoon is over.**

**Everything comes to an end, lives, stars and TV shows, even hand cream. Especially at the rate of usage for those two...So.**

**What happens when the hand cream runs out? Rated T for the bad innoendos.**

**Ps. Guest starring me as lieutenant…you'll know who I mean**

..._

Star date 2253.49

Time 13:43

Location: Some sparkly corridor on Deck 11

Commander Sch'n T'gai Spock of the Uss Enterprise, or also known as "Green blooded hobgoblin", depending on who you inquire, stalked down the endless and spotless corridors of the star ship enterprise, at what he deemed was a leisurely pace. All was well, to borrow a terran term, his department meeting was in precisely 47.238 minutes and his relationship with his commanding officer James Tiberius Kirk... was as it should be.

Spock allowed his mind to wander, to the beautiful face that would have haunted his dreams had he had them. (Or admit to have them, as his intended regularly teases him.)This brought out a reminiscent memory of not so long ago, as his near perfect memory recalled.

"_Do Vulcans have dreams Spock?" asks his beloved, blue eyes half lidded after a night of their favourite past time. A man who elicited an emotional response in him as these sensations through his body, truly, this man was a feast for the senses, an Shir'masu, an drink of water in this barren desert._

"_Vulcans Do not dream, Ashaya." He recalled answering._

_Jim stretches, distracting him with the sleek lines of his body. "Yeah, but you're half human." He points out, lovingly pressing kisses on his hand. Spock shivers._

"_An perfectly acute observation." Replies Spock, bending down to touch that glorious skin, and all discussion was soon forgotten. "But I was hoping you'd go deeper"_

There was of course, the term that Jim had used, Spock recalled the phase and usage, ah yes, "Friends with Benefits", Jims words were "Spock, were Not just Friends with benefits are we?"

"Of course not, Ashaya" he had dismissed, unsure of the meaning at the time, It was a term noted to seek clarification for Later.

Commander Spock's current trajectory lead him past the Medical bay, which he would have happily bypassed without de detouring to the dominion of CMO Dr L. McCoy, whom, thought illogical, Spock could not help but be wary of, even if it was his ultimate intervention that brought his beloved to him.

Yeas, he would have happily walked quickly past was it not for the sound and crushed glass and low Southern accented swearing, actually, he still would have walked past, were it not for a certain scent.

Spock halted in his tracks.

That Scent.

He inhales sharply.

Fruity and distinct, but not overpowering to the senses, if the colour pink had a scent, Jim had joked, this would be it.

With the scent, came a hundred memories, each of them remarkable in their own right. And not one of them was considered "proper" for a Vulcan to be indulging in.

A highly personal favourite Scent was emitting From sick bay.

Spock promptly diverges from his path and through the open doors, anger rising unchecked, and try as he might, he did not care to. He would tear the person who dared to do this, rip out his innards and toss him in a pyre, and then. He would claim his mate.

Expecting something highly personal, the actual scene had the Vulcan pull into an abrupt stop.

Dr. McCoy, bent over a half spilt bottle of perfume, looked up from the disaster that he was attempting to mop up with a spare lab coat. Which was not the regulation use of both Items, Spock mentally notes.

"Spock? What brings you here?" says the man gruffly as he looks up. "Is some-"

"Doctor McCoy, as per regulations and as the ships first officer, I am informing you that you are using a piece of ship equipment incorrectly, hence I must confiscate the said Item immediately."

Well, like that wasn't the biggest pile of Bull he'd ever head.

"Yer, confiscating a perfumed soaked lab coat offa me?" replies the doctor in disbelieve. Spock noted an increased emphasis on the doctor's accent when under duress.

"Did you and Jim finally Screw each other's brains out?" was the retort as Spock collects the coat and Perfume bottle.

"Our relationship is not of your concern." Came the cold reply.

"Godamn it Spock, You two better not just be Friends with benefits!" snaps Bones, "Jim deserves better!"

"I request Clarification. What is the meaning of the term "Friends with benefits"? "

McCoy's Jaw dropped, and then Smacked his head with his palm in embarrassment, he was not paid enough to do this. Damn Vulcans. Damn Jim and his mountain planetoid sized libido. Damn Destiny-

"Are you two indulging in a mutually agreed relationship, of sexual relations with no feelings involved?" McCoy carefully ventures, not even sure he wants to know the answer.

"No. Jim is my Intended" States Spock, "We are involved at an emotional level as well as relative physical inti-"

McCoy clamps his hand over his ears, "Alright! Alright! Goddamn it! Too much information! So you are not fuckbuddies, that's all I needed to know. Now get out of my sickbay."

Spock looked momentarily affronted for a moment." As you wish" he says at last, then turned on his heel and stalked out.

McCoy let out a sigh, then puts down his arms, so they were serious. The scent of sticky pink perfume assaulted his nose.

He Needed a Drink.

...###########...

Star date 2253.49

Time 14:19

Location: Science Dept. meeting room Deck 7

Spock notes that his department was already present, even if it was 10.4658 before their allocated meeting time. All rose as he entered.

"Commander "greets his new Second in command. Lieutenant Zhang Shuyi, an girl of average intelligence but in possession of impeccable organisation skills. A satisfactory overseer of the science department when he was on bridge shift. But then again, the brown eyes and black hair, pale skin had the ship's grapevine speculate on them being siblings, wholly illogical.

Spock nods in acknowledgement. "Lieutenant. Please be seated."

"Yes sir" came the reply, she sits down and turns on the AudioWrite on her padd, Stylus at the ready.

Spock takes his designated place at the head of the table, like a benevolent head of a house.

"As you all are well aware, "he begins with some detachment, "That the destruction of Vulcan has all but decimated the entire population of the Vulcan race." Sympathetic glances were cast his way frequently, but the heads of sections remained respectfully silent, for which he was grateful.

"With the population on the brink of Extinction, It was only logical to all females of our race to participate in rebuilding the Species." If anyone noted on the use of the word "the" as opposed to "our" or "my" no one commented on it.

"with everyone in the effort, and multiple births now common, It has come to the attention of-" Spock Quickly re -directed his words. "Traditionally, a slave made from the flowers of the plant Dit'el plant acts as a balm for stretch marks, morning's sickness and localised moments of pain." Vulcans do not say Cramps, apparently.

"Unfortunately, the plant perished with Vulcan, as with many other native species. In the light of increasing demands on the healers, the enterprise will be In charge of synthesising a replacement within a month, in time to be delivered in our next supply mission. Lieutenant, please find and allocate a time slot from all departments." The girl nods. Spock continues with his briefing.

"Traditionally, the salve is made from an extract of the Dit'tel flower; the substance is stored within the federation Data banks. Time allowing, we will synthesise a batch for mass production, effective immediately. Does anyone require further Clarification?"

Silence reigned.

"Sir, I have the suitable allocations deducted from our current timetable. Sending a copy to all staff, with the briefing material. "

" Excellent" says Spock. "Please contact Doctor McCoy or Myself if you have any developments." He stood, and as regulation did everyone else.

"Commander", pips in Shuyi, " I will take the perfume sample you have thoughtfully provided and the lab coat if you wish. " She held out her arms. Spock's eye widened a little in alarm.

"That will not be necessary Lieutenant." He just manages to cover his mistake for not accounting for the variable of human nature. Shuyi tilt's her head slightly. Puzzled. "Sir?"

"Dismissed Lieutenant." Insists Spock.

...################...

Star date: 2253.50

Time: 04:20

Location: Science Lab 14, Deck 8

Several hours later showed the Corridors of the Uss enterprise proceed to the scheduled delta shift, lights dimming to the lowest, devoid of people. Most of the crew long gone to bed.

But not this one.

Commander Sch'n T'gai Spock, son of Sarek, son of Skon, house of Surak , of the Uss Enterprise strode purposefully through the empty corridors of the constitution class star ship.

The doors to the science lab 4 swished open revealing rows of microscopes each monitoring an sample of synthesised variation of the Dit'el cream. Perfect for his intended plan; Indeed, star fleet ethics would have said that usage of Fedderation materials for personal use was strictly forbidden under the charge of Arson. However, No one said anything on abandoned materials. And It would be illogical to waste recourses when they could be utilised. Recycling, if you will. More over, the contents of the A-grade microscopes were intended to be of benefit to the Vulcan race-

"Commander?"

If anyone other himself had been present, they would have said he jumped.

And Spock would have denied jumping. Vulcans did not startle.

"Lieutenant." he says abruptly "Explain your presence immediately."

"I am monitoring the samples at an hourly interval for any visible changes Sir."

"I see. Carry on." He pauses " is there any further developments that I should be aware of?"

"Well, Batch XC4251 seemed to have developed in to an aphrodisiac, for Vulcan and human, Lieutenant M. Ress had to be reported to medic bay earlier this evening. I've put the sample under quarantine and stasis for now."

"Fascinating. May I see?"

"Of course." The lieutenant indicates the correct microscope.

Oh yes, this could be very valuable indeed-

"So I thought we'd terminate this batch before half of the crew starts pestering me for happy hand cream-Sir? Are you alright?"

"A most logical choice Lieutenant, I shall attend to it, you are relieved of duty, take a break, as the Terran saying goes."

"But Commander-"starts Shuyi in alarm. Eyes widening in comical glee.

"Dismissed Lieutenant." came the stern order. Shuyi's mother taught her not to mess with Vulcans.

"Yes sir." Lieutenant Shuyi fled the scene, and if no one noticed the smirk, too bad.

….

Star date 2253.52

Time 09:11

Location: Bridge. Deck 1

"Captain, there's an incoming transmission from Star fleet command." Pips the ever dutiful Urhura from her chair, which Jim always thought her straight posture was so straight that it was totally badass, but then again compared to Spock...well, well, trust me when I say there was no competition.

"I'll take it in my ready room. Commander Spock, with me. Sulu, take the Con"

"Aye Captain"

...

Star date 2253.52

Time 09:15

Location: Captain's ready room. Deck 1

Jim flickered one more admiring to the view of Spock's excellent backside before sinking down to his char, his second assuming an standard "hands off my Captain " kickass pose by his right. Hands folded behaving his back.

A moment later, the wall length screen flickered to life, which would have intimidating had Jim not known that it was the same on the other side. Boy he could re count the nuisances of HD, like that girl on Risa with the clumped up mascara Jim shivers from just remembering.

"Computer, raise room temperature by 5 degrees" says Spock, ever so observant.

The picture of former Captain Pike frowned on screen.

~#~#~#~#

"Unauthorised use of Starfleet resources huh?" says Jim knowingly, looking up with a smile that can only be classified as lewd. Spock's heart skipped a beat. He swallows hard.

"It was illogical to discard something that was useful." Replies Spock neutrally.

"Really?" Jim was not convinced, spinning on his captain's chair. "I guess I'll just have to punish you then." And damn it if he wasn't looking forward to that.

...- _-...

And in the privacy of their Quarters, let it be known that Captain James T kirk personally carried out the correct disciplinary procedure to Commander Sch'n T'gai Spock of the Uss enterprise.

Thoroughly.

And if they may have utilised the flora scented cream that was the source of their disagreement,

Well, it was only logical.

#

AN it's now half done! Shower gel and the shimmering body cream are left, thanks for reviewing guys! Suggestions are welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: mostly McCoy bashing with bad innuendos, but a happy ending for McCoy at the end. And some more of my very own soon to be patented CWALP, crack with a little plot. Enjoy! Also, however smutty the dialog at the end gets, There is no coitus or fellatio of any sort. You have been warned. So don't flame me for later. It's all in your head.**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

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Doctor Leonard McCoy a.k.a. "Bones!" best friend, drinking buddy, divorcee, Father and CMO of the USS Enterprise, abhorred Valentines' day.

Hate, hate, hated it.

You want to know why?

First of all it was definitely the general lovevy –dovey- ness, people making goo-goo eyes everywhere and anywhere they went, with no thought for public dencentcy, every free surface "averaging at 3.2653948m doctor. " covered with pink paper chains, pink paper hearts, glitter, abandoned confectionary wrappers, and people eating each other's faces off.

And god damn it, Even the damn hobgoblin wasn't even protesting about the illogical-ness of it all, too busy making "come hither" eyes at Jim, who was returning the favour by happily blowing air kisses when they thought no one was watching. Disgusting.

He wasn't jealous damn it, McCoy stubbornly tells himself, it was just the general suffocating atmosphere, yes that was it, too much love. He was happy for Jim, hobgoblin and all, but the chocolates and the kisses and the smouldering eyes and the "Please rip my uniform off Spock!" pose was getting too much.

He wasn't lonely Damn it!

And then there was Jim. Jim, who once thought that he was god's gift to women but now deciding that he was god's gift to a certain Vulcan, and happily spending every minute of everyday sickening affirming the fact. DAMNIT.

It was his fault. McCoy decided, downing a shot of something vaguely alcoholic, for lifting the no- fraternising rule for a day, and god damn it, if he had to hand out one more free pack of Contraceptives-

"Err…Doctor McCoy?" came the nervous query of some redshirt that chapel had sent in while he was busy wallowing in self pity.

"What?" he snaps, slamming down his drink, watching the ensign flinch with a deep sense of satisfaction. Good, fear keeps you alert and alive. Damn Jim, damn Valentine's day, damn them all for making him do this.

"I …err…Contraceptives?" he asks hopefully. The smug bastard.

"CONTRACEPTIVES?" McCoy exploded, "What am I?! A walk in clinic?! Vending machine?!"

"well-"

"Don't talk back to me young man! If you knock up the poor girl or break her heart I will have you out of an airlock faster than it takes A Vulcan to recite the third law of HER ME?!

"YES SIR!" yells the ensign, terrified. McCoy slaps the kit down on the desk, growls and gave his best death glare. Poor thing squeaked. "Get out of my sick bay." He growls.

The red shirt was out of there faster than the depressurisation of an airlock. McCoy took another drink of his shot, leaning back on his chair. Thanking god that at least that his sickbay was a madness free Zone.

_At 08:00 hours ship time, the entirety of every _science_ exec. Had been summoned and seated around the "Round Table Bones!"followed by an"OW DAMNIT."_

_Leonard "Bones" Horatio McCoy sat down as the king of all things southern._

"_This" meaningful pause "is a medic bay" pause. "And more importantly. Mine. There will be no banners, no hearts, no glitter, no paper chains, no frolicking, no fraternising, no slacking off, no chocolates, no flowers from botany and no issuing of free contraceptives without my direct consent. Or you will find your selves polishing my scalpels till the world ends. Is that understood?!_

"_Yes Doctor."_

"_Dismissed."_

McCoy though about the bullshite excuse that Jim had fed him when he asked why the fuck was he putting up with all of this nonsense, and had the gall to say "Aw Bones! It's good for crew morale!"

Morale his ass, it was the three month anniversary of him and pointy ears' holy get together, orchestrating a crew party to cover the love and horty -torty time they can spend together without looking odd. Thinking about it made him scowl even more.

The door to his office swished open, revealing a tall, blonde and gorgeous Nurse chapel carrying a pink bowed box. Hope lifted his heart.

"It's from Joanna" Chapel blurts out before anything else, the legs it out on those legs

And then hope died like Jim's smile on check up day.

McCoy slumps back in his chair with a sigh, the leans forward to read the note.

_To daddy Dearest, Love Jo xxx_

He unwraps the present.

McCoy wanted to crawl under a desk and die. His precious star had sent him and chocolate heart. Not the pointy one with two curvy bits, but a life sized anatomical representation complete with left and right ventricles, atriums and down to the coronary arteries filled out in white chocolate. Why… why?

This was the last straw. That's it. Damn it all. McCoy presses the intercom to his head nurse "Chris, I'm leaving, "he takes out his bottle of chocolate liquor from the secret stash "sickbay's all yours, if anyone comes in for contraceptives, prescription will be administered in Hypo form. I don't care what their excuses are, No exceptions."

"Yes Doctor"

Screw them all, a little suffering was good for the soul.

With the hear tucked safely behind the stash of alcohol, the cursed shower gel and shimmery cream of the just pink series wrapped up in an happy Valentine's day banner that hung for a very short duration in his office. The culprits currently cleaning out his scalpels and washing out dirty Petri dishes by hand. McCoy set out to find a madness free spot to wait it all out with his alcohol. He mentally listed the places that were most likely to be infected with couples.

Botany Lab, bushes and couples. Avoid. Observation deck stars and romance. Avoid. Engineering, the damned party and couples and alcohol that he couldn't have. Avoid. Jefferies tubes, closed spaces and people. Avoid. Rec rooms, most likely to be full of rom-coms, avoid, corridors- McCoy narrowly swerved left sharply to avoid walking in on some very impressive discarded clothing-definite avoid. Bridge?

Hold that thought.

He halted before the turbolifts, and explore the thought, contrary to what Jim thought, he was capable of organising and evaluating his choices _logically_ because _hey_, he was a doctor and he had to perform under extreme stress it was simply _what he was trained_ to do.

Now, only the higher command team could access the bridge, with ID recordings, this would certainly dissuade most of the junior crew, also only the skeleytal crew would be present, and changing often to go to the party, so no one would question his presence too much, and most of all, it was quiet, and couple free. Which was exactly what he needed.

Perfect.

So, bridge it is.

McCoy had just let himself in to the peaceful abandon of do-it-alone binge drinking on the good stuff within the _empty _captain's ready room when the turbo lifts opened again.

"Ah, ensign AkkrSen! You are relived of duty, go have some fun" said Jim's cheery voice, which only could mean one thing-McCoy paled. Oh no no no no no …..

"But Captain-"

"And the rest of you too" he says, steely, cutting them off. No! he was still in here!

"The captain has issued an order, and you shall adhere to it" came Spock's voice of ice.

_OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT_

"_yes sir!" _and then the mad scramble out. Hell hath no fury like a pissed Vulcan apparently.

Then.

Silence.

McCoy didn't move. Or breathe.

"Oh Spock…..." sighs an breathy Jim that was entirely too lewed to be proper" is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

Oh god , why didn't he leave why he had the chance?

"Do not be illogical Jim" came the reply. God bless the hob-

"Awwww come on, isn't little Spock pleased to see me? Hmm hellllo tiny Spock, how are ya? Daddy is going to take good care of you." Jim purrs, McCoy gags in the captain's ready room. Choking on his bottle of the good stuff, splaying it on the clean carpet.

"Desist Jim" came Spock's reply, a little breathy this time.

"No. " Came the coy command, McCoy lamented his life over and over again, why why?!What had he done in his previous life that was so horrible to deserve this?

It got worse.

"_No_." came Jim's coy voice again. "look at it, all hard and slick and ready for me, sure you don't want some help?" McCoy makes a face to the rest of the universe. _Please, no_.

There was a sort of wrapper being torn, like plastic, and then a loud sound of very obvious slurping.

"don't you want me to lick it?" McCoy could hear the eyebrow from here. If he wasn't distracted by the taste of vomit-

"Captain-" chokes out Spock, breathless-

"hmmmm…hmmmmm" Jim lets out a playful moan of sorts, McCoy coverd his ears and started to recite the periodic table in his head as fast as he could in the silence.

"_look _at me Spock, watch what I am doing" came Jim's down right possessive command. Spock let out a what seemed to be a mewling noise. There was the sounds of quicken breathing, then-

Silence.

McCoy let out a sigh, this was probably the best time to move. With his eyes politely glued to the ceiling, tossing his pink wrapped gift to the general direction of the captain's chair.

The shuffle told him the hobgoblin caught it.

Then his foot caught on the rise to the chair and Doctor McCoy smack down landed on his face. Arms flaying around to seek purchase, and trying not to stare at the chir at the same time.

It failed.

"Wha?"

Jim and Spock fully clothed, sort of sitting on each others laps with a smug grin, looks down at down at the foot of the threone as he was

"hello Bones" then tossed something down to his grasp.

"Damn it ! Jim, I don't want you dirty condom wrappers-" McCoy involuntary glanced down.

LIME FLAVOR LOLLYPOP!

ORIGINAL RECIPIE!

1 credit each!

Oh.

Pause.

McCoy slammed his fist down on the squeaky clean floor and got up." Godamn it ! " two pairs of innocent eyes followed him." You owe me a lot of good stuff especially that which I regurgitated back there."

Damn right he had enough, now time to make a dramatic exit .#

"And what short of Fucking anniversary is this?" he yells, Spock's eyebrow went up. " Fellatio doesn't even count as Sex, get a grip Jim!" McCoy stalks out "and use protection!"

You know what , screw them all he was going to have a night in his own quarters , medical locked by CMO and he wasn't fucking coming out till all of this was fucking over.

* * *

_**Interlude**_

* * *

The comn to his quarters ringed insistently, and McCoy dragged his lazy ass to the door, what was it now? Hadn't he suffered enough?

"what?" he snaps rather irritably.

Brown eyes gave him a pointed look. Then held out a hamper full of beautiful, golden, vintge liquor. Each a bottle of liquid sunshine of smoky amber. "Compliments of Commander Spock." She says. Slightly amused at McCoys open jaw.

The CMO of the Uss Enterprise shut it closed immediately.

"Give him my thanks. Lieutenant Commander-

"Will you not at least take a look at the Captain's gift before you dismiss me doctor?" She, a petite figure of snowy skin and slight curves, a complete anathema to Jocelyn , regards him curiously, unabashed, amused almost.

"Okay, what is it?"

The girl gave him the Eyebrow that should only occur on Spock's face.

"What?"

More pointed staring.

Then

Understanding dawned.

Oh.

_OH…_

"I see." He said at last. The girl eyerolls, then smiles.

FINALLY.

"You better come in then" then stepped aside to let the little thing past, hamper in hand.

Maybe Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all.

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**AN: Muhahahahahah the overactive imaginations of a star trek fan girl. this is a sort of break till I figure out what to do with the remaining shower gel and shimmery body cream, which might be a story in 2 parts rather than my little CWALP babies. But rest assured, there will be crack and more laughter. And less McCoy bashing. Even if it is so fun to write Bones. (whom is not complaining much anymore….. you might have noticed)**

**Maybe, is time to go to the ball….**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN : been on a long study break, and I seem to have giggles block with a dash of familial dislike to an obnoxious step father. So I'd thought I'd try writing something sad for once.**

**WARNING some major Jim whumpage.**

**And some language because of Jim's filthy mouth and voice of consciousness, but like we'd care about a few petty swear words after all that slash we read.**

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_Jim, through always armed with this awesomeness, sexy smoulder, flirty banter and endless charm, is not a man good with words. Oh, harmless pick up lines he can dish out like a pro, and bullshitting of admirals was positively an art that all command officers had to learn, but, he never was a child that expressed much, a being of few words. A child remarkably devoid of deep emotion. Experience taught him that it was much better to keep it all bottled up. It was safer; what no one knew they can't use to hurt you._

_Tarsus IV taught Jim a great deal. It wasn't all that bad really, he had long since come to term with what happened on the planet. The beginning was so good, and then the famine came. People started dying, and then kodos went psycho (being extremely generous here) and then most of the days was about survival and the importance of allies, so when Riley saved his neck by ambushing the guard chasing him, Jim gladly shared his last precious apple. Because he didn't know how else to say thank you._

_Riley seemed to understand._

_A month later, when Riley was killed by a stray bullet, Jim knelt for an hour at the grave, a plie of stones, um marked. This hour that should have been spent foraging and finding food for the little ones. He had no words to explain that no, Brother Riley was not coming back, and thankfully no one asked. And if Jim later leaves a box of unopened crackers at the grave, no one asked and pretended not to see._

_Jim didn't cry or said anything._

_He just didn't know how to say sorry._

Jim knew Spock knew what Spock meant to him, even if he never rally said it. It would be hard to, with the bond and all that,. But he doubted Spock really understood how much it actually meant when he made the effort to duplicate every dish Amanda ever made, from Spock's memories, handy that, to serve to his Thy'la.

"Jim , why are you doing this?"Asks Spock every time.

"Cos you're important silly." Jim taps his nose "I cherish thee"

Spock seems to understand, even if Jim couldn't quite bring himself to say the other thing out loud.

_When Wynona picked Jim up from the shuttle port back from tarsus, her now quiet son, so different before, and turned home, she did so in silence. And if Jim all but tried to eat the house free of food , Wynona didn't comment._

_A week later, Jim baked cookies, because that was what Sam said, before he ran away, what mum used to do as a family. Jim had found the recipe scrunched up in the corner of Sam's room ,long forgotten. _

_Jim, plate in hand, knocks on his mothers' door._

_She opens it, and Jim offers up the cookies, and his heart, because he didn't know how else to say "I love you."_

"_That's' good Jim" says Wynona absentmindedly, patting his head, "why don't you go have some with some milk?"_

_So Jim left a plate on the kitchen table, which went untouched for weeks, but Jim never gave up hope._

"_For God's sake Jim! Take out those wrenched cookies!"_

_So he did, and from that day mother became Wynona, and the bars on the shipyards of Iowa gained another juvenile delinquent._

Bones was Jim's friend, best friend even, sulking away on Joanna's birthday, wallowing in self pity and alcohol. Staring at some pink squiggly lines on a bit of paper like it was the signature of Jesus. So Jim brings out the beer and the bucket of chicken wings. Kentucky hot ones. Mean things that took a while to perfect, not to mention how hard it was to track down fresh chicken wings when the whole planet runs of replicators an' all, good thing he grew up on a farm and after tarsus, if he couldn't find food he might as well toss himself over a cliff like -

Never mind.

The point was that he needed to watch his friend for the night, and if that meant drinking the alcohol free beer that tastes like shit and listen to some bitchin' about the nameless "ex wife" and ensure that Bones lives to see another day and chase him down the aisle with another hypo, it was a small price to pay.

It was just returning the favour, god knows he'd come crawling back to Bones at ass am on his birthday and the man never turned him down for a patch up and let him crash on the couch, no questions asked. So hey! It was his turn to babysit.

There was no place in the world he'd rather be.

_There may be a part two...TBC_


	5. Chapter 5

**AN : ****Yo! I'm back, did you miss me? A reviewer left me this witty repartee that left me extremely confused, anyone care to decode it for the dumb not- blonde person?**

_:'"An perfectly acute observation." Replies Spock, [...]. "But I was hoping  
you'd go deeper"' __**(HEY! THIS WAS A DOUBLE ENDED QUIP!)**__  
McCoy looked closer at the body. She would have been drunk and choked on her  
own vomit except that there was no smell of alchohol on her. Drugs, perhaps,  
or poison? He shared his observations with the Consulting Hobgoblin who  
reported to Jim that the murder of the Yeoman who liked pink things was  
clearly killed by the same person who killed the others. It wasn't suicide, it  
was murder. They had a serial killer aboard. __**(WHAT IS THIS? EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!)**_

Translation/tldr;/In short: looks like someone's a Sherlock fan.

**Also , I think I've found a brilliant plotty way to end this fic in a few chapters time, don't't be sad, I'll finally get to write my AU, where the reformation of Vulcan never happened and Jim has to crash on Vulcan where Spock is a Prince. Need I Say more?**

**Anyway, more of the whupage stuff. Onwards!**

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_Stardate 2259.04_

_Time: 14:57 hrs_

_Location: Observation deck, Deck 1 USS Enterprise_

Jim leant back and observed the stars, tiny pinprick streaks of white light speeding by , his vision unobscured from where he was, safely encased in the warp field of Star ship Enterprise. Somewhere below him, on a deck somewhere, was a memorial service. Honouring the dead of the battle of Vulcan ; billions of empty markers reflecting the devastation of Nero's madness.

Unbidden, a self decimating smirk rose to his lips. But it was cold. And empty.

It was his birthday.

Some where people would be lamenting the death of someone they loved, and the Vulcans especially, of nine million, barely ten thousand survived, less than one fucking percent, hell, less than one hundredth of a fucking percent. Jim shaded his eyes with the scratchy sleeve of his dress uniform, the hat somewhere on his left. Remnant of the old militia days when it looked cool - fuck if he cared.

The point was, how could he bring himself to even be happy on a day like this?

The quiet swish and soft footfalls alerted him to the visitor he now had, the bond thrilled it's agreement and mental greeting.

" I had hoped to find you here ,Thy'la."

"Go away, I'm angsting" came the half hearted reply, he had to get up and look sombre for his father's commemorative speech later, and then he had a date with a bottle, or perhaps many bottles ,of bourbon, or vodka, or whisky, whatever, he wasn't fussy.

Spock sinks down elegantly by his side, spreading out a blanket of sorts, and placing a stacked lacquered box on the cloth. Then begin to remove layers and arrange then in an arrangement of some sort on the blanket.

" I have brought you sustenance, you will need your strength." Spock quietly states.

Jim ignored him, till the smells of food became too tempting to his empty stomach. Then scrambled upright. "How are you ordering them?" he glances at the squares placed equidistance apart, could probably use them as a ruler.

"Alphabetically by country of origin." Spock replies. Right.

"Very logical" Jim half heartedly teases.

It was an odd assortment, Fried Chicken, Haggis sandwiches, Plomeek soup, Borscht, Sushi,-

"What is this?" Jim pokes a dish of green vegetable sting thingys.

"That is, ___Sukuma__wiki_, an traditional Kenyan dish." Spock pauses. "Of vegetables" he adds meaningfully.

"Right." Because that made so much sense. But then again, food was food, and Spock couldn't possibly know what all of this meant to him.

"They do not, but I do."

"What?" could he have heard that?

"The crew and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

oh.

_Oh._

Dammit, now his eyes was burning, Kentucky, Scotland, Vulcan, Russian, Japan and Kenya, nobody had ever done anything like this for him, not in 26 years. Jim manages a watery grin. And tried to tone down his pathetic sniffling, "Did ya bring cake?"

"No, I did not."

Oh, he couldn't suppress a sigh of disappointment, but still, this was still more than anyone had-

"But I do believe the Crew is hosting you a surprise party, please remember to act suitably emotional this evening." Spock cuts in .So much for being sworn to secrecy.

Jim's smile lights up like a supernova, so bright it was almost blinding.

Spock suddenly found himself flat on the floor, an happy human wiggling in his lap, not that he was complaining."Jim, the food will get cold."

"I'm not actually hungry yet, do you think we could do something to work up an appetite?"

Spock feels his eyebrow go up, and was rewarded by a grin, and a nibbly kiss to his left ear.

"I am not certain this is the best location to conduct…such activities" he surprises himself by saying.

Jim leans back and turns up those startling baby blues. "But it's my birthday. "

Spock's self appointed denial lasts a precisely 1.446 minutes, which was 20.55 seconds less than the last time. a record that is slightly unnerving to say the least.

"Very well. " he relents, not that he hadn't planned an incentive experiment later, it was, after all, his Thy'la's birthday .

"Computer, lock doors, Authorisation code Alpha Beta Gamma Six Two four."

"Quarantine Lock. Activated." Came the reply.

"Disable security cameras, Captain's Authorisation code. Silly sally Twinkle Terneria"

"Cameras disabled"

Spock raises an eye brow.

"What? I promised Jo."

"Illogical" Spock states in deadpan.

"Whatever, you love me anyway" Jim retorts, sliding down "I think we should christen these uniforms"

"Illogical, as the clothing is neither sentient nor of the Christian faith-" a well practiced move by Jim's talented hands shut him up immediately. Spock refused to groan, he digs it too undignified. Good thing James T Kirk did not believe in no win scenarios.

"Now, "Jim's grin was wicked." Where were we?"

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**And I'll leave the rest to your fertile imaginations. Tra la! And the end is nigh, I think I'll be done within the next 3 chappies. So long and thanks for all the fish!**


End file.
